“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
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The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
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