Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
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Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”