In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
You Might Also Like
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Animal poetry
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’m putting together a team
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.