Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
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stop
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
they finally got him. they got macavity
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed