@VerifiedDrunk: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you're gay....
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@Kyle_Lippert: The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
@Firawesome: I told you I'm busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the last 20 tweets I posted?
@AristotlesNZ: The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog's ass.