Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
You Might Also Like
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
idk what this dog had been going through but same
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
How dramatic are you?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,