[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
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DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket