[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
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little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it