[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.