[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
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The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
dictator is short for richard potato
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope