Last-minute gift idea!
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Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.