Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
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No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.