Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
You Might Also Like
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.