A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
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Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
who wore it better?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.