Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
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remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them