Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
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Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.