Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
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I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I put the h in mysterious.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.