Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
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My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My work here is don’t.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.