Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
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The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.