Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
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I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up