@causticbob: Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
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@myles_morrison: Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.
@dongfuture: *stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe *takes off shoe, shakes it upside down* *Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*
@KentWGraham: A woman saying "I'm not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won’t feel a thing."