Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
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smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.