@PimpBillClinton: Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.
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@BlindChow: "You're attachment is too large," my computer tells me. I blush. "My eyes are up here," I respond coyly.
@sucittaM: I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
@TheDailySchmuck: [Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant] Cop: You're under arrest. Me: What's the charge? [Lowers sunglasses] Cop: a salt and buttery.