If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
You Might Also Like
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows