It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
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Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
What number SPF blocks people?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it