@jus4golf: Last night I got so drunk I spent an hour apologizing to a tree for saying it's bark was worse than it's bite.
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@sad_tree: She's marrying HIM?! TODAY?! *cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
@HammerFist3: Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you Me: yeah well that's just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
@Pro_Jones_: (Halloween Party) Friend: What's your costume? Me: I'm dressed as "A total disappointment" Friend: But you always wear that Me: Yeah.