@jus4golf: Last night I got so drunk I spent an hour apologizing to a tree for saying it's bark was worse than it's bite.
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@CourtneyBale: Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I'm gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
@kumailn: The Devil has his own Bible. He's releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.
@LurkAtHomeMom: When people say let's stop fighting and act like a family, that's where I get confused.
@RowdyBowden: Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn't yarn before.