@jus4golf: Last night I got so drunk I spent an hour apologizing to a tree for saying it's bark was worse than it's bite.
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@tastefactory: A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they'll do nicely"
@TheCiscoKidder: Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don't even look at my wife that much.
@TheBigBatman: During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it's like for a man to have the flu.