Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days