Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
You Might Also Like
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
…żyje?