You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
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Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.