Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
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“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.