[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
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Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
How did we not see this back then?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Liquor Store Parking
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.