My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
You Might Also Like
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.