Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
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I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
i will avenge u mr van gogh