Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
You Might Also Like
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.