@beardofprey: last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house :D
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@heidi420x: I don't need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
@samalmightysam: • You're born. • You grow up. • You believe in Santa. • You stop believing in Santa. • You look like Santa. • You are Santa. • You die.
@NicestHippo: [Crate and Barrel job interview] "So why do you want to work here?" DONKEY KONG [sweating]: I love interior design
@LoveNLunchmeat: All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.