@beardofprey: last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house :D
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@Cheeseboy22: Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, "Marco" and then an even fainter, "Polo."
@daemonic3: [first date] *Ok don't let her know you're a vampire* "Would you like a mint?" *reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000* "Dammit"
@david8hughes: [sees a dog about to get run over] Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close [sees a cat about to get run over] Me: car coming