[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
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Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
john wicks are toilet candles
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’