Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
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told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot