Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
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We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park