@EtobicokeErnie: Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
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@PaulyPeligroso: This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I'll taste it nonetheless.
@murrman5: [me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what? [wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
@TheRolo: I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
@ibid78: "So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?" *imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms* "I'm a people person."