Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
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Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way