[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
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a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”