@AIMMadellynne: Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I've been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
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@iwearaonesie: If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
@lunchbox_82: I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
@david8hughes: [wife drops me at the airport] Wife: have a safe flight Me: I have no say in the matter Wife [already driving off]: die then
@Book_Krazy: Me: I love these lazy Sundays. Boss: It's Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ's sake, put some clothes on!