*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
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Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.