[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
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Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
*pronounces fake like saké*
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex