[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
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‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Just how popey was the pope today?
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that