[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
You Might Also Like
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.