[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
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Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
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Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
That’s not how days work.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!