[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
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Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality