[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
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One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.