[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
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Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF