[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
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friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A leaf blower, but for people.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
me
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*