[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
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“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.