[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
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Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them